Tips To Start "The Talk"

Myth or Reality?  I will pass away suddenly in my sleep, with no need for medical intervention.
REALITY: Only 10% of us die suddenly, 90% of us will experience some type of medical intervention.


Myth or Reality?  I will be able to tell people what I want until the day I die.
REALITY:  Over 40% of us will die with some type of dementia.


Myth or Reality?  Most people have a current Advanced Health Care Directive naming a suitable person and have talked with their family, loved ones or agent about their wishes.
REALITY: In a 2011 survey, 82% of Californians stated they thought it extremely important to have their end of life wishes in writing, only 23% actually had a written document.


Myth or Reality? My doctor knows what I want and will choose the right thing for me.
REALITY: Doctors will not decide for you. Nurses cannot decide for you. Only your agent can decide if you are not able to make informed consent.


Death is not considered a pleasant or polite topic of conversation. The humorist, Roz Chast, has received a lot of attention for a graphic novel titled, "Can't We Talk About Something More Pleasant?"  Things that make us uncomfortable are also often funny.  After the laughter stops, we realize we need to start that conversation.  The best gift we can give someone is a meaningful conversation.
We often know it's important but don't know how to start the conversation. What follows are some tips offered by a professional fiduciary who has many of these conversations with her clients.

If you are the one who wants to talk about your own wishes:

• Do some personal reflection about your own values, wishes, thoughts, and feelings about death and dying.

• Realize that your values do not have to be like other people’s. In fact, the values we hold dear are what help make us unique and interesting people. It’s o.k. if you value something different.

• We get what we think about in life. To have a joyfully wise 5^th Chapter, know what you want and imagine life "as if" you are experiencing the positive outcome you want rather than wasting time thinking about what you don’t like or want.

• Tell your family you went to a seminar that discussed The Conversation Project. Let your family know you want to make it easier on them, when the time comes, and that you have an Advanced Health Care Directive to reduce chaos and confusion.

• Once you have selected an agent, share some of your concerns or thoughts about what matters most to you with that person. A conversation is meaningful and a legal document provides authority and guidance to your named agent.

If you are the one who wants to talk about someone else’s wishes:

• Do some personal reflection about your own values, wishes, thoughts, and feelings about death and dying.

• Tell your family you went to a seminar that discussed The Conversation Project and it brought up some interesting questions you would like to discuss.

• Tell a story about someone who experienced some problems when not planning for and putting in place a document to name an agent.

• Remember, this is most likely a conversation that will be re-visited so kind and loving conversation will pave the way for future conversations.

• Ask your loved one if they sometimes think about death or dying and what would they want if they were facing that moment.

• Express an interest in understanding how their values, wishes and beliefs can be honored if they are incapacitated.

• Call on a Family Council Moderator to help the whole family navigate this topic if there are conflicts brewing or you find it difficult to bring up sensitive topics together.  If you would like more information about Family Council Moderator services, please call The ACE Fiduciary Group.