The Talk, Part II

        Not long after my mother visited us, my daughter said, "so let’s have 'The Talk' tonight".   I laughed because I don’t see the need to talk about my own aging yet.  No siree!   It seems a little premature.  I am still a spring chicken....aren’t I?

        But my daughter likes to have plans in place.  I tried to explain that we really didn’t need to have that talk yet.  Still she persisted.  So, she pushed me to imagine what sort of life I might have when I am in my 70's and beyond.  I also asked her what she imagined for that far distant future time.

        From that conversation, I heard her care and love for me. I also heard myself say some common things we hear older people say.

        “I want to live in my home as long as I can.  I even prefer remodeling my home to accommodate someone living in it so someone can live here and help me care for the home (not me of course).”

        “I want to live near both my children, but I don’t really want to live with either of them. This is both because I don’t want to be dependent on them and because I imagine too many control issues. Plus, I would much rather be helpful than a burden.”
      
        “If I have to have nursing care, or I get too lonely (after my husband passes away) I might consider living in an assisted living facility.  But it can’t smell bad and it needs to be pretty with a view of nature or something.  I like the ones that let you move from no help,  to a little housekeeping, to a bit more help, and eventually into a skilled nursing unit in the same complex, if you need one.”

        “It’s pretty hard to imagine being able to afford any help at all, and it is difficult to imagine living on what we have saved so far.  So, in the long run, I would rather live with one of my kids than on the street.”

        There, I said the unthinkable for our culture and generation. I would rather live with my kids than have a crummy and unsafe old age life.  For some cultures, this is expected.  For others, we abhor the idea of cramming three generations into one suburban house.  Given the statistics on the Baby Boomers savings (or lack of it) and life expectancy (longer than ever), we will be facing some choices that none of like to ponder.  Maybe my daughter was right to talk to me now....where is that long term care insurance plan my agent sent over to me?

Share your thoughts on Long Term Care Insurance or your plans for a joyful wise old season of life.

Amuse Bouche: Fairy Princess to Wise One

        My group of friends and I find ourselves discussing our fear of entering the 5th Chapter more often than I would like to admit.  We have talked about the various stages while we watch our children grow and our parents age.

         1st Chapter:    Fairy Princess/Super Heros (Birth to Pre-Puberty)
         2nd Chapter:   The Wonder Years (Puberty - Young Adult)
         3rd Chapter:   “Way To Go!!” (Parenting/Career)
         4th Chapter:    Those Awesome Golden Years (Empty Nest - Retirement)
         5th Chapter:    Wise Ones - (Activity Begins to Slow - Second Childhood)

        None of us is looking forward to Old Age. Who really does?  I keep trying to see ahead and imagine the best part of the 5th Chapter, even while being sure it has a good amount of agony.  I hope it will be a time to savor the past; encourage others; and, find small ways to give and experience joy in the present.  Those who avoid becoming mentally “stuck” in a previous chapter seem more likely to be better prepared for whatever lies ahead.  Those who enjoy what life holds during each chapter, accepting the sweet with the bitter, seem to better handle what life offers during the 5th Chapter.

        A short conversation with a next door neighbor’s 95 year old mother has taken a place of honor in my mind’s eye. She embodies the idea: "The present is the Present (gift)".

       She was out walking in the neighborhood leaning on her walker for a moment when I happened to see her.  She told me “today, the Spirit moved me to go outside” while she lifted her arms to embrace the day.  She is full of grace, kindness and an appreciation for life. Even though she lived through a Nazi concentration camp, losing her whole family, she is almost giddy with joy at still being alive.  Her attitude is so refreshing because she remembers her past but embraces what she can enjoy today.  She told me her “amusements” these days are to cook for her family and write short poems.  I call them “amuse bouche” which is an incorrect use of the French term that means tasty morsels.  See http://wordsmith.org/words/amuse-bouche.html for a definition. I like the term for her short poems, because she offered me a moment of “amuse bouche” while she shared her willingness to be available to the life she has today.

What “amusements” can you imagine might be part of your life during your 5th Chapter?